


Sunflowers

by hudgens77



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: AU, Angst and Porn, HIV/AIDS, M/M, Polygamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 15:55:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4269306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hudgens77/pseuds/hudgens77
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>October, 1984. The AIDS pandemic causes panic all around the globe. The winter is harsh. Kaneki meets Hide again, who now carries the virus. All of the circumstances seem unfavorable, but that won't impede them to rekindle their romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sunflowers

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I hope you like this fic. I'll leave more notes at the end.  
> Enjoy!

_October, 1984_

Sunflowers wither during winter.

The sky fills with clouds and snow falls, turning everything cold and depriving us of color, leaving that devastating white that consumes everything with it...

White. White means purity. A new beginning.

That's why he dyed it that color, even if it doesn't quite suit him. Because white means purity, and he's not pure. He stopped being pure a while ago.

Sometimes he thinks of him. When he sees sunflowers he reminisces him. When the sun warms everything so intensely he thinks about him, of how he ran away and left with him a devastating white winter...

It's a boring day in Anteiku. It's too cold and there are barely any customers in the café, except for a man clad in a fat coat reading the newspaper. Touka approaches him to take his order and Kaneki watches how the man never puts the paper down and speaks in whispers, so she has to come closer with an annoyed expression in order to hear him. Kaneki, absent-minded and cold-handed loses himself in the heading of the paper that reads:

**"2 MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE HIV POSITIVE IN JAPAN"**

He sighs. People are hysteric due to the violent pandemic of that mysterious virus. HIV or AIDS, to be honest, Kaneki doesn't really know the difference and he hasn't bothered to look it up. He doesn't want to know anything about it because, as if that weren't enough, it has only brought more discrimination against people like him: the homosexuals. They blame them for the virus. They don't want to touch them, look at them, not even breathe near them. And even if Kaneki tries to understand their fear, the fact that people don't try to understand their philosophy destroys him. Because, why's him to blame? He knows he's different since he was little. But those things are out of his control, because let's be honest... if we had a choice, who would choose to suffer?

He doesn't choose what he likes, nor whom he falls in love with. Yet people can't understand that.

Touka enters the kitchen, grumbling something about the mysterious client. She tells the order to Kaneki and he gets to work. Touka is in a really bad mood that day —for the girl can't stand cold days— so Kaneki offers to deliver the order to the client himself.

"Your coffee, sir," he says as he places the cup on the table. The client thanks him and puts his paper down, and Kaneki's heart skips a beat when he realizes who is in front of him.

"H-Hide?!"

* * *

Kaneki runs and yells him to wait. Hide is a few meters ahead, but he quickly gets tired and Kaneki reaches him. When he looks at Hide in the eyes, they're glossy.

"Hide," Kaneki says in a trembling voice. "Can we talk?"

Hide averts Kaneki's gaze. He wants to refuse, but then he makes the mistake of looking in his eyes and when seeing him so sad, he feels like he owes him an explanation.

"Umm, okay," he smiles hesitantly. "But you're at work..."

"My shift ends at 8 PM. You think you could come? Or we can meet somewhere else, if you like..."

Hide shakes his head. "No, it's fine."

Kaneki beams, but the gesture doesn't reach his eyes.

"Okay. I have to get back or Touka-chan will get mad at me, but I'll see you later."

They exchange goodbyes and Kaneki leaves.

The day is so cold that just a few people go to the coffee shop, which is good and bad at the same time. It's good because Kaneki is way too distracted and he could ruin more than a cup of coffee, and it's bad because free time gives him the opportunity to ponder and ponder about how different Hide looks. He's gaunt, pale and haggard. He doesn't even dress like he did before, but maybe that's because of the cold weather. Yet, what hurts Kaneki the most is remembering those small yet numerous dark spots that now mar Hide's used-to-be pretty face. Kaneki knows well what they mean and it gives him goosebumps.

Before Hide left he used to be a healthy, cheerful and lively young man. Now he looks sick and the only vestige that's left of his old self is his blond hair and the ghost of a playful smile that still lingers discretely on his lips.

For good or bad, the established hour arrives, but Hide doesn't. Kaneki panics when Touka informs him that it's time to close and says goodbye while he stays in the street shaking like a fool. What else could he expect? Hide has run away one time before, there's nothing that guaranteed him he'd stay this one time.

And yet... said young man appears after a few minutes. Kaneki's face brightens up. Hide apologizes for being late —he has honestly considered not coming back, but the idea of breaking Kaneki's heart once more pains him in an overwhelming way. He won't say it, though. And Kaneki doesn't ask why he's late, because deep down they both know the reason. But the important thing is that Hide is there now.

Kaneki takes him to his apartment where they can finally take their coats off.

"Would you like something to drink?" offers Kaneki. Hide shakes his head.

"No, thanks."

"Hide," he insists. They sit in the living room. Kaneki pouts and lets out the question that has been eating him from the inside during those six months:

"Why did you leave?"

Hide smiles without joy. He scratches one of his temples, which means he's nervous.

"You're really gonna make me say it, huh," he becomes deathly serious and declares: "I left because I didn't want you to see me like this."

"But why?" Kaneki asks anxiously. "Hide, if you would've told me that you were ill, I would've understood..."

Hide knows what he means. The gay community has their principles very clear, and one of them is about free sex. They've been humiliated, silenced and oppressed for so long that one way of rebelling against society is by screaming it at the top of their lungs. Being promiscuous. Showing them that sex is not something to be ashamed of.

Because even though Hide and Kaneki had a very serious romantic relationship, they weren't exclusive when it came to sex. But it was fine, that was their agreement. Sex and love aren't the same thing. Therefore, Kaneki wouldn't have been mad had Hide been with someone else. Because Kaneki is healthy, and there's no way it he'd be the one that passed on the virus to him.

But for Hide it's more than that.

"I went to America. The land of freedom," he mocks with no glee. "I was hoping they'd have some sort of medicine, a cure or treatment, whatever it could be," his voice shakes; "but they're clueless, just like us."

"Why did you come back?" Kaneki asks forlornly. He's never seen Hide so sad before, struggling to keep his composure.

"I didn't plan to, but homesickness overcame me. I wanted to see the city where I've spent my whole life before I..." Hide gulps, unable to meet Kaneki's eyes. He scratches his nape and changes the subject, but that pause is enough for Kaneki to know and it leaves him breathless. "I wasn't expecting to meet you in that coffee shop, tho. I'm not selfish enough to look for you after I left you, but maybe it was fate..."

"Before you what, Hide?" Kaneki demands, ignoring everything that followed that sentence.

Hide knows that he's helpless, or at least that's what he thinks when Kaneki's apartment door opens all of a sudden and a man of flashing purple hair and extravagant clothes appears. "Bonsoir, Kaneki-kun!" he exclaims. However, his countenance darkens when he inspects the living room and meets Hide.

"Who is he?"

Kaneki stands up and Hide remains observant. This man has a key of the apartment, which can only mean that he's Kaneki's current boyfriend.

"Tsukiyama-san. He's—"

"Nagachika Hideyoshi," Hide introduces himself, approaching them. "Nice to meet you."

"Hideyoshi..." Shuu mutters pensively. He connects the dots and gasps to Kaneki, surprised and outraged. "Is he the 'Hide' you've talked to me about?!"

Kaneki glares at him.

"Yes. Is there a problem with it?"

"He left you, don't you remember?" Shuu rubs in his face, giving Hide a pang of remorse. But Kaneki stays firm and Hide realizes that even though he's still kind as always, he's become a bit more assertive.

"That's none of your business. I never say anything about your relationship with Kanae-san."

"That's different!"

"Whatever, Hide is staying here from now on. If you don't like it you can leave, but he stays."

They both exchange glares, holding threatening looks for a minute like it's some sort of competition. And then, Shuu huffs with annoyance before leaving with a loud slam of the door.

Kaneki sighs when he's gone.

"I'm sorry for that."

"No worries. I should go," Hide justifies himself. Kaneki stops him.

"Hide! I was serious when I said you're staying," he says. Hide ponders about rejecting the offer, but Kaneki makes that begging pout he can't resist. "Please?"

Hide bites his lip. He doesn't want to cause more trouble, but he doesn't want to break his heart again. He breathes noisily, knowing he's lost.

"Where are you gonna sleep?"

"On the couch. Doesn't matter," Kaneki assures jovially.

"Matters to me. I won't let you sleep on the couch. This is your apartment."

Kaneki makes that doleful expression again and Hide hates him for an instant because he knows he'll argue something related to his illness.

"But you—"

"No," Hide interrupts, serious. "Kaneki, please. Don't pity me. Not you."

Kaneki wants to insist but he holds it back, only because of the severity of the blonde's countenance. Hide can deal with doctors and nurses looking at him with sympathy, people staring and insulting with repulsion. He can deal with his family kicking him out of the house after they found out about his sexuality. But not Kaneki. He wouldn't be able to deal with Kaneki degrading him or helping him just out of obligation due to his merciful personality. He wants Kaneki to treat him as always, as an equal. As a friend.

"Okay," Kaneki accepts with understanding. "If it means that much to you, you can sleep in the couch."

Hide grins.

"Thanks, man."

* * *

He can't sleep because of the many things that happened that day and he can't help but think about. Hide is back, but Hide isn't Hide anymore and soon...

He never finished that sentence, but Kaneki knows what it means. And now, what will happen from now on?

He just wants to get back to the past, when they both just were two happy-go-lucky students in love.

He eventually falls asleep thinking about it. Still, he wakes up at an uncertain late night hour when he hears noise. He gets up in order to investigate. The bathroom's light is on, the door's open and Hide is throwing up in the toilet.

Kaneki comes to his side and moves the hair away from his forehead. He helps him stand up and wash himself, and then he questions with concern:

"Are you okay?"

Hide fakes a little smile.

"Don't worry, it's normal. Sorry I woke you."

Kaneki doesn't miss the way he evaded the question, but he decides not to insist. Instead of that, he helps Hide walk to the couch and lay down.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather sleep in the bedroom?"

"No," Hide sighs. "This is exactly what I didn't want you to see, and it'll get worse. I'm so sorry."

Kaneki grimaces.

"You don't have to apologize."

"Kaneki, I need you to promise me something."

"What is it?"

"No matter how bad it gets, don't take me to any hospital. I don't wanna know a thing more about doctors, nurses or treatments that won't work."

"But Hide—" Kaneki begins.

"Please," Hide begs, running a hand through his bruised arms thanks to uncountable injections of experimental treatments which, obviously, haven't worked and have only caused pain. Kaneki's eyes follow the trace of Hide's fingers, and his vision clouds when he understands the horrible things he must have gone through. "I've been there, done that the last six months. Do you promise?"

He can't speak. It hurts to know that Hide won't be saved. And it hurts to know that, no matter how much he wants to, he can't do anything about it.

Kaneki nods with a lump in his throat while Hide comforts him.

In the morning, Hide wakes up in Kaneki's bed.

* * *

Kaneki repeats his actions the following night. When Hide falls asleep, he carries him and puts him on the bed. Except that that night Hide wakes up again and when he finds himself in Kaneki's bed he thinks that he can play that game too. He goes to the couch where Kaneki sleeps soundly, carries him —damn, he's heavy— and tries to take him to his room.

He huffs. Jeez, Kaneki really is heavy. He's barely given a few steps and he can't continue. His arms are weak, what is wrong with him?

Why can't he do things like before?

Inevitably, he falls. Kaneki wakes up with a start and turns the light on. Hide is curled up in a ball on the floor, hiding his face in his knees. Judging by the way he's breathing and trembling, Kaneki knows that he's crying.

He helps him get up. Hide apologizes between sobs and tries to tell him his intentions. Kaneki is touched by them, but at the same time he's sad because Hide is just a shadow of what he used to be.

In the end, he manages to convince him that it's better if he sleeps on the bed.

Hide accepts reluctantly.

* * *

Kaneki wakes up early in the morning every day, takes a shower and dresses himself. He checks on Hide, who's still asleep, and then he goes and prepares breakfast. He always leaves something for him so he doesn't have to cook in the morning. Then he goes to college and when it finishes he goes to work at Anteiku. He arrives at night, eats dinner with Hide and they chat for a while. Kaneki then does his homework. Sometimes Hide helps him, because even though he left college a good while ago, he's smart and he learns fast. He even helps with some household chores. Kaneki lets him not to make him feel useless, but he always tells him to take his time.

He has noticed that there are days when Hide feels like he could conquer the world. Those days, the good days, Kaneki almost feels hopeful that he could recover. But he knows that's impossible. Anyway, it makes him happy that Hide's personality remains more or less the same despite his illness.

Of course, there are bad days too. Those days Hide can barely walk a few steps without becoming exhausted.

Luckily, the bad days are still a minority.

They have gotten used to living together. Sometimes they go out together in spite of people pointing and whispering about them. It's like reviving the days when their relationship was evolving from friendship into something else. The dates, the laughter, the "accidental" touches. Love fits both of them well, and it's so obvious that Kaneki's acquaintances have made comments about how he looks better lately. Even Shuu has resigned himself to see Hide every time he visits Kaneki, because he won't give up even now.

One morning when Kaneki goes to check on Hide as usual, he finds him awake. They exchange good mornings, and then Hide proposes:

"Think we could go out tonight? I'd like to take you dancing."

Kaneki's face lights up. These last days have been good ones and this is only getting better.

"Really?" he asks. A smile tugs at the corners of Hide's lips.

"If you want to."

That night after work they go out to a gay bar. It's nostalgic because during the old times they have had a few dates there before consolidating their romance. Kaneki is so thrilled that he can't stop chatting about his day as they walk. Hide tries to keep up his pace, but eventually gets tired.

"Kaneki, could you wait for a little bit?" he says, smiling apologetically and breathing raggedly. Kaneki feels bad for being so inconsiderate.

"Sorry," he apologizes. Hide rests for a while, placing his hands on his knees. He stands up when he feels better.

"Never mind. Let's go."

That night is very special for Hide. Even if he gets tired quickly and has to sit down regularly, at least he can watch Kaneki's joyful expression.

They are not judged in that place. Kaneki even meets with a few friends. One of them greets him with particular enthusiasm and even introduces himself to Hide. His name is Banjou and judging by the familiarity between him and Kaneki, Hide assumes that he's one of his lovers. But it's okay. At least Kaneki hasn't been lonely since his departure.

To close on a high note, they play a bunch of slow songs that Kaneki and Hide dance together to. Hide doesn't get tired with these ones, because it's easy and relaxing leaning against Kaneki's shoulder and going with the flow. Hearts beat fast, contrary to the music rhythm. Nerves are on edge like it is a first date. And when they're back on the apartment and before they part ways to sleep, Hide and Kaneki share their second first kiss and therefore rekindle an old affair.

* * *

Next morning, things go on like usual. Kaneki wakes up at early morning in order to get ready for college. He takes his clothes carefully not to wake Hide and enters the bathroom. He undresses as he remembers the night before and then looks back to take a look at himself in the mirror before he showers.

It is then when he sees it.

There's a little dark spot in his back, like the ones invading Hide's face.

Kaneki feels a pang in his stomach. No, it must be the mirror. Or maybe he just didn't see well.

He gets close to the mirror with wide eyes. The glass is clean, flawless.

He turns back again.

There's definitely a spot in his back.

Kaneki turns pale and decides that he will skip school and work that day to go to the doctor. It can't be what he's thinking, right? He will only go to take it off his mind. Better safe than sorry, they say.

* * *

Hide awakens by noon. He gets up reluctantly and goes to check the kitchen. Strange, Kaneki didn't leave anything for breakfast that day.

Oh, well. It's not like it's his obligation or anything to do so. Hide is more concerned about the fact that maybe he got up late for sleeping on the couch.

He checks the fridge contents, but there's nothing appealing. Lately he only eats because he has to, but not because he's actually hungry.

Someone opens the door when Hide decides he'll skip breakfast. He leaves the kitchen and finds Shuu.

"Bonjour, Monsieur Nagachika."

"Kaneki isn't here."

"I know that. It's you I wanted to see, actually."

Hide cocks an eyebrow. "Me?"

Shuu shows him a mysterious smirk. "Yes, you. Would you like to go drink some coffee with me?"

Hide doesn't trust him. He doesn't like that guy, but somehow he knows he's safe because Shuu loves Kaneki, and if he dared to do something bad to him, Kaneki would never forgive him.

Actually, Shuu's intentions are not that bad, because effectively, Hide's right. Shuu knows how much that blond jerk means to his beloved Kaneki. He only wants to get along with him at least on the surface, because maybe that way he'll win Kaneki's heart. And who knows, maybe he'll even get a bit of information about their relationship that he could use to his favor.

After all, Hide is the one who stands to lose. He left Kaneki, he's an unfaithful and AIDS-infected lad who has nothing while Shuu comes from a good, rich family and while he might not be faithful either —who in the gay community is, though?— he _is_ loyal.

In the end, Hide accepts. He doesn't feel particularly bad and there's not much to do that day. Shuu isn't his favorite companion, but he knows how to be cautious in case it's necessary.

They arrive in Shuu's limousine. A waitress takes their orders and glares at Hide.

"So, how did you meet Kaneki?" the blond inquires when the waitress leaves, trying to fill the awkward silence with words. Shuu's penetrating gaze makes him uneasy.

The waitress shows with their beverages almost immediately. Shuu thanks her and she leaves again.

Shuu drinks a sip of his tea. "Soon after you left Kaneki-kun started working at Anteiku. I go there often and he caught my attention with his stunning white hair and fine features. Ah, Kaneki-kun is truly a work of art; don't you think, Nagachika-kun?"

Hide chuckles nervously. "Yeah, I guess you could put it that way," he says. It's not because he doesn't think so —in his eyes, Kaneki is the most beautiful creature he's ever seen—, but he's just not good at metaphors.

"Nagachika-kun," Shuu repeats. "If you'd like to tell me, I'd like to know why you left Kaneki-kun."

Hide takes a sip of his coffee and coughs a few times. He looks down, insecure.

"Tsukiyama-san... It's fine, but," his brown eyes meet Shuu's; "you have to promise me that you won't tell Kaneki."

Shuu raises an eyebrow. Just as he suspects, this guy is a liar who doesn't deserve his precious Kaneki. He crosses his fingers behind his back carefully and smiles coldly, raising his other hand.

"I promise."

Hide sighs. He's not sure whether telling him this is right or not, because his intuition tells him he shouldn't trust him. Nonetheless, he'd like to confess the truth to at least someone, so he ignores his instinct.

"I left Kaneki the moment they confirmed to me that I was ill. I had been feeling weak lately so I decided to go to the doctor and they made me a few tests. The results were the worst I could imagine," Hide's voice quivers; "and I didn't want Kaneki to see me like this, so I left."

"Why didn't you tell him?"

"If I did I wouldn't have had the will to leave. Also," Hide looks around, making sure there's no one he knows there; "Kaneki is the only person I've ever had sex with."

"Impossible," Shuu gasps. "Because that would mean..."

"...that Kaneki gave me the virus," Hide says. He exhales. "But it was my fault. I knew he'd been with other people. He found out about his sexuality first, but I thought he was clean... I should've been more careful."

"But if Kaneki-kun had the virus before you, why doesn't he—?"

"I don't know," Hide interrupts. "I wonder about it too. Maybe he has more defenses... I don't know, but at least I'm happy he doesn't get sick."

"Calmato," Shuu murmurs to himself. The fact that Kaneki has the virus makes his hair stand on end and he feels about to lose his composure. His precious Kaneki! He always seemed so fragile in his eyes, and now he's even more... And the worst part of it is that he knows there's nothing he can do to protect him.

Hide notices his distressed state and knits his eyebrows. "Calm down. Have you ever... umm... have you ever done it with no protection?"

Shuu shakes his head. He's not lying. Kaneki is especially careful when he's with him. He doesn't trust him, and Shuu knows that. Kaneki himself tells him that sometimes. But that doesn't keep Shuu from fighting.

Anyway, the news cause him great sorrow.

"You shouldn't worry then. Kaneki's fine, you're fine. But please... do not tell him."

Shuu intertwines his digits and rests his chin on them. "Why don't you want him to know?" he asks, upset.

"Kaneki is the kind of person who blames everything on himself. He has the bad habit of wanting to save other people even when he's the one who needs to be saved. That, and the way he touches his chin when he's not being completely honest," Hide smiles nostalgically as he imitates the gesture. Then, his expression turns sad again. "If he knew he was the one who passed it on to me, he wouldn't be able to stand it. I beg you, Tsukiyama-san. Don't tell him." 

Shuu blinks, bewildered by the way Hide actually knows Kaneki and how he truly worries about him. "You're telling me... You're telling me you'd rather have him think badly of you for leaving him than make him suffer?"

"Well... yeah," Hide says. He smiles sadly. His brown eyes stare fixedly at Shuu, bright with unshed tears. "Please, Tsukiyama-san. And promise me too that you'll take care of him when I... when I—"

Hide can't finish the sentence. He hides his face behind his hands and Shuu gets a lump in his throat by seeing him like that. He finally understands that Hide loves Kaneki in a way so pure and sincere that it's simply overwhelming.

He takes off a handkerchief from his pocket and offers it to him. "Monsieur Nagachika, I apologize for misjudging you all this time," he expresses sincerely and then sighs. "I promise."

* * *

"That's impossible," Kaneki denies frantically. "No. No. There must be a mistake in your diagnosis, Doctor."

Doctor Kanou breathes slowly. He doesn't lose his patience, for he's been a doctor for a long time and he knows that a lot of patients refuse to accept reality in the beginning.

"Kaneki-kun, I know it's hard to accept it but—"

"I can't have AIDS!" Kaneki exclaims, losing his cool. He draws his hands to his white hair, wanting to pull it out. "I haven't had unsafe sex for years—"

"Apparently it is possible not to develop any symptoms immediately. It can take months or even years," the doctor informs him. Kaneki feels his heart drop to his knees and he wants to throw up when Kanou looks at him with pity. "I'm sorry, Kaneki-kun."

* * *

When Kaneki gets home he finds Hide and Shuu comfortably sitting on the couch watching TV. The whole scene is a little bizarre, but he's too engrossed to care.

"...Kaneki-kun?"

Kaneki looks up. Both Hide and Shuu are staring at him with worry, like they've been talking to him for a while now.

"I'm really tired," he justifies himself. "I just wanna sleep."

He goes to his room. He can't stop thinking about doctor Kanou's diagnosis. He hears Hide and Shuu whispering in the living room and the door closing when Shuu leaves. A few moments after, Hide knocks his door and Kaneki opens in his pajamas.

"I'm sorry Hide, I didn't think Tsukiyama-san would leave so soon. I'm out..."

"Don't worry," says Hide. "I don't mind the couch."

"No, no, the bed's yours," Kaneki insists. Hide knows something is troubling him but he doesn't know what. In an attempt to make him feel better he shrugs and suggests:

"Well, how about sleeping together tonight?"

Judging by his honest and even childish grin, Kaneki knows that when Hide says "sleeping together" he actually means just sleeping. The jovial and tender proposition makes his chest warm and he can't help forgetting about his problems and smile back. That's the effect Hide has on him even if he's ill.

"Sounds good."

* * *

Both of them occupy their spaces in the bed. While sleep comes, they talk.

"Were you with Tsukiyama-san today?" Kaneki questions curiously, since Shuu had no problem in showing his aversion openly for Hide. The blond shrugs.

"Yes. We went out to have some coffee. He's not as bad as I thought."

"Hm," Kaneki says. Yes, maybe he was a little harsh on him sometimes.

"...his sense of fashion sucks, tho."

Kaneki laughs. The sound emerges from his chest, airy and juvenile. Hide stares at him; first with astonishment and then sweetly, because it's the first time he sees him laughing so honestly since they met again.

"Yeah. You're the one to talk, tho..."

Hide chuckles. It's meant to be an insult, but it's been so long since Kaneki doesn't joke around that he doesn't care. "Me? Look who's talking, nerd. Besides, what's with the white hair? Are you being fashion-conscious or something like that?"

Kaneki punches his arm softly and they laugh a little more.

"Hey, Hide. How about going out tomorrow, you and I? We can go have dinner at Big Girl after I come back from work," Kaneki suggests later. Their days are numbered, but as long as they're together they can forget about the cruelty of their destinies.

"Sure! Let's go!" Hide exclaims like a child in Christmas. Big Girl is their favorite restaurant and they used to meet there on special days before.

The date is established, and they both keep talking until they fall asleep.

* * *

The next day, Kaneki wakes up in a good mood. He says goodbye to Hide before leaving to go to college, kissing his head carefully not to wake him up. The day's cold as always, but it doesn't seem like it's going to snow and the sun even shows itself through the clouds for a little while by midday. Kaneki takes it as a good omen.

They all notice his good mood at work, especially as he hums while preparing some orders. When they comment about it, Kaneki just beams.

No one would imagine he was diagnosed with AIDS just a day before.

The last hour of work is the longest for him. He's impatient to leave and see Hide. He wants to recreate the old times when he was immensely happy. Even if life drips between his fingers like a handful of water, he wants to be happy again.

He arrives home as fast as his legs allow him to and hangs his coat, although he knows he'll have to put it back again to go out. "Hide, I'm home!" he announces cheerfully.

Hide comes out then. Kaneki's face brightens up, but as he pays more attention to him his cheerfulness disappears and a great concern floods his chest.

Hide walks towards him slowly, dragging his feet. He leans on the wall like he can't support himself. He's still wearing pajamas and looks paler and sicker than usual.

"What's wrong?" Kaneki says with worry.

"Kaneki, you think we could go to Big Girl another day? I'm not feeling very weee..."

Hide sways and hits the ground in a sudden. Kaneki screams with horror.

"HIDE!"

* * *

Hide spends the days sleeping most of the time. He's burning with fever, barely eats and any physical effort overly tires him. Unfortunately, Kaneki can't spend the days with him due to work and college. But when he arrives, the first thing he always do is going to the bedroom to check on him.

He wants to cry. It's been only four days since Hide is like that, but his condition worsens quicker and quicker every day and Kaneki can't do anything about it. Taking him to the hospital would be an option, but he doesn't want to break his promise.

The room is in peace. Kaneki cuddles next to Hide and puts an arm around him. The latter shifts slightly and turns around to see him sleepily.

"Hmm... Kaneki?"

"Did I wake you? Sorry."

"Nah. It's okay."

"How are you feeling today?" Kaneki inquires, placing his hand on the blonde's forehead. His face twists because Hide is still hot. The fever fluctuates, but it never really goes away.

Hide doesn't respond. He watches Kaneki's pout and takes his hand when he takes it off his forehead. He kisses Kaneki's fingertips. Kaneki blushes when Hide brings his index digit in his mouth.

"H-Hide!" he shouts, moving the finger away. Hide is shameless enough to let out a weak, sickly giggle. Kaneki glowers at him.

"You're incorrigible."

"I know you like that," Hide replies, and Kaneki doesn't get if he's talking about what he did to his hand or about the incorrigible part. Still, it causes him quite the shock that he's so lucid, but he assumes it's one of those temporal improvement periods that every ill person has once in a while.

Inexplicably, Kaneki kisses him. Hide kisses back with desire. Kaneki sticks his tongue tentatively and Hide allows it obediently. Little by little he gets energy from God knows where and he becomes a little more mischievous when it comes to the kissing. Kaneki strokes his cheek softly and stays closer to him. Hide's body is burning but he doesn't mind. When Kaneki moans into his mouth it's when Hide knows that he's aroused. They break the kiss, both on fire for different reasons. Kaneki feels a little guilty when he hears Hide's ragged breathing, but it's only him the one who can turn him on so easily. Banjou is tender, loving; Shuu is sensual and wild, but only Hide is the whole package. Even now.

Kaneki moves the tresses of hair away from his sweaty forehead. "I'm sorry," he apologizes. He was being inconsiderate.

Hide shakes his head. "I want you to make love to me," he whispers. Kaneki's eyes widen and his face turns scarlet.

"But Hide, you're—!"

Hide interrupts him, smashing his lips into Kaneki's mouth.

"Don't do this to me," he says between kisses. "Don't leave me hanging," he pants, biting his lover's lips softly.

Kaneki sighs. His pants are tight. "You haven't changed one bit, huh," he replies sarcastically. A smirk tugs at Hide's lips and Kaneki knows he's grinning like a child. He can't help but to grin back. He turns around and skillfully positions himself on Hide and then breaks the kiss. Hide is excited and feverish, but ready. He knows that this is one of the last times he'll feel this pleasure, maybe even the last time.

"No," he breaths difficultly. "But it seems you have."

It's true. Kaneki stares at him seductively. His usual innocence has gone away. He's learned a few things while Hide wasn't there and the latter does notice.

Kaneki chuckles softly, cheekily. He kisses him again and rubs his erection against Hide's. The blond closes his eyes, breathing heavily. He caresses Kaneki's mane, ruffling the colorless tresses of hair. He groans when the friction is insufferable, throwing his head back and exhaling his lover's name.

Kaneki takes Hide's clothes off. He's too thin and his body is full of little dark spots, but Kaneki doesn't pay attention to it. Hide, by the simple fact that he is Hide is gorgeous, so gorgeous. Kaneki kisses every corner of his anatomy with devotion. Hide moans when he places his lips on sensitive spots —his neck, his nipples. Kaneki takes his member in his hands and Hide loses his breath. He stretches his trembling hands, wanting to undress Kaneki. He struggles and frowns, but Kaneki lets him without losing his patience until they both stare at the other, completely naked. Hide stretches his numb legs and puts them around Kaneki's hips, who caresses his cock now that Hide opened his legs. Hide, weakened and dazed feels like he's about to lose it with every stroke.

Kaneki goes down, opens his mouth and Hide knows what he's about to do. His eyes widen like he's scared. "C-condom?"

Kaneki stops for a moment. He looks at him seriously and then shakes his head.

Hide's eyes turn glossy. There are people who loathe the simple fact of breathing near him because they fear he'll pass it on to them; and yet here's Kaneki, willing to give him everything even when Hide is dying because of the virus.

No, this is not love. It's pure recklessness. A suicidal mission. Unless...

Hide then realizes that Kaneki already knows. He knows he's HIV positive and doesn't care.

He closes his eyes tightly. His eyes are stinging and he wants to cry.

Kaneki stares at him with compassion.

"Are you okay? Do you hurt?" he inquires, playing numb until the last moment. Hide shakes his head, trying to hold his emotions back.

Kaneki sighs. He doesn't want to see Hide like this. In an attempt to rekindle the erotic atmosphere he takes Hide's cock in his hand again. He strokes him and hears his breath getting stuck in his throat and finally changes his hand for his mouth, kissing the moist tip of Hide's length and teasing him with little, short licks and nibbles and kisses in his thighs. Hide's stomach tenses intermittently, his gasps are erratic according to his lover's provocations. Kaneki has become more playful, but he likes that. And then his tongue, his blessed tongue tastes him and buries him in the depths of his mouth and Hide feels like he's going to explode. He tugs at Kaneki's hair, who lets it out with a pop and a thread of saliva. Hide looks at him with cloudy eyes and a shaken expression, breathing through his mouth like he's a fish out of the water. Kaneki likes that expression. He kisses his balls and lifts his legs so his tongue has better access to his entrance.

"Kaneki!" Hide exclaims with the blood rushing to his face when his lover sinks in such an intimate area. Hide shakes, his head spins, but it feels so good. The sounds Kaneki makes turn him on even more and he draws his hand to his cock to release his pleasure. But soon, Kaneki breaks the contact and replaces his tongue with his fingers to prepare Hide. He bites his lips. It hurts, but he resists.

"...neki... Kaneki," he breathes out wearily, begging him to make him his. They kiss again, this time slower. Little by little, Kaneki fills him. Hide moans when he feels him and moves his hips to adjust to his length. Kaneki looks so alive with the color rushing to his face and the eyes clouded by the pleasure that constricts his member and makes him feel a ticklish sensation in his lower abdomen.

"Kaneki," Hide repeats with difficulty. "Let me... I wanna ride you... Ah!"

"W-what?" Kaneki exclaims, not stopping his thrusts. Hide sinks his nails into his shoulders and keeps eye contact, and even though his expression is filled with desire and lust, there's decision too. Kaneki isn't sure he'll be able to hold himself up —he's too weak and thin— but knowing that this is an especial occasion, he lets him. He takes Hide's hips and rolls so now Hide is on top. Thankfully, Hide doesn't see his back or he'd be terrified to discover that his lover's end is closer than what it looks like.

Kaneki squeezes his buttocks to hold him up and helps him set a pace. It's hard for Hide to stand straight, but thanks to Kaneki he is able to do it. Their skins collide, the bed makes sounds. Sighs and clamors escape their throats and create a symphony in the room. Hide shakes, his insides shake because it's too much for him, his heart is beating too fast and it skips beats. He reaches the climax quickly and collapses over Kaneki with a last sound of pleasure. Kaneki comes just a few seconds later and Hide squirms against his skin, still lost in the last vestiges of his orgasm.

After he rests for a bit, Hide speaks. He's lying next to Kaneki, caressing his face.

"I always loved you," he confesses in a very weak voice. Shaky, hoarse. "Even when I wasn't with you, there wasn't a day you didn't cross my mind..."

"Hide," says Kaneki. The words fill his chest. He really needed to hear that. "I love you."

Hide smiles lazily. His eyelids are heavy.

"If I had more time," the words are slurred and his eyes are watery; "I'd take you on a trip. Far, far away from here..."

"Don't say that," Kaneki says stubbornly, taking his hand and placing his lips on it. He doesn't want to cry, but Hide is being terribly nostalgic. Involuntarily, he draws their intertwined hands to his chin. "I-I'm happy."

Hide chuckles quietly, which is a contradiction because tears are running down his cheeks. He can't hold it back any longer.

"I'm glad to know that," he mutters sadly. He cuddles against Kaneki and closes his eyes. God, he's still burning with fever.

"Hide?"

"I want to sleep," the blond expresses. Kaneki kisses him resignedly. There's not much he can do.

"Rest well," he tells him. "I'll stay here."

Kaneki keeps his promise. He falls asleep after a while, for it's been a long day and he's tired too.

He wakes up in the morning. A little smile tugs at his lips when he sees the blond who's still asleep and hiding in his neck. Kaneki caresses his mane and breathes his scent.

"Hide," he murmurs softly. "Hide, good morning."

There's no answer. Hide looks so peaceful, it's almost like he's not even breathing...

Kaneki's blood runs cold. He feels very awake all of a sudden. He shakes Hide softly, fearing the worst.

"Hide, Hide! Wake up!"

Hide's cold as ice. Kaneki panics, he feels like he can't breathe. Desperate, he rolls Hide's body so he's facing up and Kaneki places his ear against his chest while his hand squeezes one of Hide's wrists.

There are no sounds. There's no pulse.

Kaneki walks backwards, too shocked to even react. Hide's body is still flaccid like he's sleeping, which means that it hasn't been long since he breathed his last.

Kaneki's knees wobble and he falls to the ground, drawing his hands to his head and tugging at his hair. "Hide, no..."

He throws himself against the body of his best friend, his lover. He hugs him tightly and breaks down crying, sobbing at full volume.

He cries for Hide. Because even if he knew this would happen sooner than later, it doesn't change the fact that he'll miss him more than anyone. He cries because it's not fair for someone so good to have suffered so much and died this young. And he cries for himself, because he knows he's doomed to the same cruel fate and now that Hide's gone there's no one and nothing that can make him forget about it.

He doesn't know how much time he spends that way, but suddenly he hears the main door open. He wipes off his tears and tries to get a hold of himself when he hears Shuu's voice. He covers Hide with the blankets to protect his dignity and kisses him one last time on his cold lips.

He dresses and leaves the room, closing the door behind him with his head down. Shuu and Kanae are talking in the living room. The latter is holding a bouquet of flowers: red roses, daisies, red spider lilies and sunflowers.(1) He's the first one to notice Kaneki and points him to his master, who turns around perkily.

"Oh, Kaneki-kun! We were passing by and I wanted to buy some flowers..." when he notices Kaneki's somber expression as he leans against the door of the bedroom where Hide rests, Shuu worries. "Kaneki-kun, what's wrong? Where's Nagachika-kun?"

Kaneki doesn't speak. Shuu and Kanae exchange looks and then the former approaches Kaneki. Now that he's close he can appreciate that Kaneki's lips wobble and his cheeks are red. His jaw and fists are clenched as he tries to keep his composure. Shuu feels saddened when he sees him like that.

"Kaneki-kun?"

Kaneki can't hold it back anymore. Hide's death is so recent and painful that he's not done venting yet. He looks up, his eyes full of pristine tears, and lets out a sob. Shuu gasps and pulls him into a hug Kaneki doesn't reject.

"I'm so sorry," Shuu says. He doesn't know exactly what happened, but he can get a clue. Kaneki sobs louder and holds on tight to him as if he were a lifeline.

"Why?" he whispers softly. It's not meant for Shuu, but in general. The question is huge and it sums up all of his frustration.

Why do these things happen?

Why Hide?

Why him?

Shuu doesn't know what to say. He beckons Kanae to leave them alone in respect to Kaneki's grief and caresses his hair to give him some sort of solace.

Outside, the morning is ice cold, and soon it begins to snow.

* * *

The next day, Hide's funeral takes place. It's by midday. The day is cloudy and dark. The weather forecast assures it'll snow in the afternoon, so the wind blowing that day is merciless and it freezes the cheeks of those who are brave enough to go out.

Hide's family doesn't show. For them, his son is dead since the day he came out of the closet. The only heterosexual people there are Nishiki and his girlfriend Kimi, who were Hide's acquaintances when he could still assist to college. Everyone else are Kaneki's friends and lovers, all of them part of the gay community.

Kaneki cries when Hide is buried, giving his last goodbye to him. However, he's more calmed that day. He let out all of his anger and desperation the day before. Now there's just sadness left.

The bouquet of flowers that Shuu gave him the day before is placed on the recently dug grave. The sunflowers are the ones that stand out the most.

Shuu offers Kaneki a ride to his apartment, reminiscing the promise he made to Hide. Kaneki accepts. He doesn't want to be alone.

The way back home is silent. Kaneki stares out the limousine window: everything is slow during winter, as if the whole city of Tokyo was sleeping. He closes his eyes and thinks of Hide. The city is full with memories of him.

"I want to take a trip," he sighs, remembering his last conversation with Hide. "Far, far away from here..."

"Well... How about France?" Shuu answers. Kaneki turns to see him, for he wasn't expected to be heard.

"Are you for real?"

Shuu smiles with compassion.

"Why not?"

* * *

_Kaneki Ken died twenty days later due to the complications of a cold in Paris, France. His body was taken to Tokyo and buried next to Hide's, just a few hours before his 19th birthday. He died with a smile on his face, as if he knew he was about to meet with his beloved again._

And Shuu honestly hopes so, as he places a bouquet of sunflowers in his grave.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's some stuff I'd like to clear out:  
> (1): Each flower has its own meaning. The red roses mean love and passion, which could be interpreted as what Shuu feels for Kaneki or also about the mutual feelings between Kaneki and Hide. I used daisies because they're white and mean purity, which somehow allude to Kaneki because of his white hair and also because he himself feels he's no longer pure after Hide left. I put red spider lilies mostly as a reference to the anime, but it means reincarnation and loss. And finally the most important ones: the sunflowers. They mean adoration, they represent the sun itself that in turn means warmth and happiness (and obviously allude to Hide).  
> About HIV AIDS: I didn't want to put too much medical stuff because they didn't know much about it by that time and also that's not the point of the story, but the relationship between Hide and Kaneki. Anyway, the dark spots in their skin appear due to Kaposi's sarcoma which is often related to AIDS. Another thing: Kaneki was HIV seropositive, that's why he didn't develop AIDS after years since he got it.  
> Anyway, I hope you liked it! Please leave a review to let me know what you thought about it :)


End file.
